GIST for Fun: My Defense of Marriage Act

As much as I condemn the religious right for their incessant efforts to keep gay people from getting married, I must admit there's one point on which we can all agree. I won't let my deep-seeded suspicion of fundamentalist christianity blind me to the simple, practical and undeniable fact that marriage is, indeed, in jeopardy, and direct and dramatic action must be taken to preserve it. The threat, though, doesn't come from a group of people who have NEVER had the right to marry, but rather from a group that has long found quarter deeply and firmly implanted among the social lymph-nodes of marriage itself.

All across the boards, the debate rages on, usually with the same tired, tedious points. On the right, we have the threat to marriage, harm the children, offend god, buck tradition, corrupt society, recruit new homos argument, which they fling arbitrarily and vigorously at anyone who fails to post the Lord's Prayer on faded oaktag in their front yard. On the left, us liberals fling around the openminded, civil liberty, stable children, loving home, tax benefit, legal protection, unconstitutional, antiquated, oppression, power struggle argument with equal abandon. And both sides recognize that divorce is at an all time high, that teenage pregnancy creates dependance on the state, domestic violence is rampant, and the Donna Reed image of the fifties is today only so much dog-eared film.

So before we go on a Bush II WMD-style witch hunt to defend ourselves from a threat that doesn't exist and start delineating the dangers of relationships that have barely been sanctioned, let's examine something more tangible. Join me in urging your legislators to introduce and support what I call DOMARA: The Defense of Marriage Against Rednecks Act. The proposed bill reads thus:


The Defense of Marriage Against Rednecks Act



In an effort to ensure traditional and stable marriage, the State of Wyoming does hereby assert and recognize the following requirements for all individual persons applying for marriagable status:



1.) Only Adults shall be approved for marriagable status. Requirements for adulthood follow:
A.) Is at least 25 years of age
B.) Has completed High School in a structure other than their home
C.) Can employ proper grammar, to be certified by a state-administered oral and written test, if necessary
D.) Has a checking account and can balance it without a calculator
E.) Does not wear apparal depicting tinkerbell, spongebob squarepants, or other pop-culture icons popular among tweens



2.) Applicant does not currently, nor has not since achieving adult status, lived in a trailer or other domicile lacking a foundation. The state recognizes that this will effectively bar whole municipalities from marriage approval, but recognizes also that such municipalities are likely best not marrying anyway.



3.) Outdoor spaces attributed to Applicant's primary resident must be free of indoor-intended appliances such as refrigerators and televisions, whether functional or disabled, and all vehicles kept on said property must be in good working order and of uniform color



4.) Applicant must be in possession of at least 75% of their original adult teeth. In the event that their current tooth lode falls below 75%, Applicant must undergo an observation period, funded by Applicant, to determine that any employed dental prosthetics remain firmly in the mouth during social events, despite numerous opportunities for base comedic attention.



5.) In addition to basic apparel requirements outlined in Section 1 Subsection E, the following apparel requirements must be observed by state officials for a period of six (6) months before marriageable status will be conferred:


A.) Females must not
1.)wear spandex at any time
2.) wear sweatpants or scrubs outside their intended venues
3.) wear any finger ring larger than a fifty-cent piece; special dimension requirements must be met if wearing finger rings purchased at wal-mart, k-mart or other big-box retail outlet. Contact Marriage Defense Board for details
4.) Wear clothing of any size other than those approved by Marriage Defense Board for their physical dimensions. Belly-shirts are disallowed outside nightclubs.
5.) Carry any purse delineating political views, group affiliation, or an affinity for motorcycles in glitter, rhinestone, or chrome or brass upholstery stud. Colloquialisms typically ascribed to particular opinion or group affiliation will be considered implicit delineation of adherence to such and are similarly disqualifying.
6.) wear any clothing with sexually-suggestive text upon the buttocks, such as "juicy"



B.) Males must not:
1.) Wear any belt buckle more than two (2) inches in diameter. Additionally, said buckle may not express opinions or political views, denote group affiliation or describe an affinity for motorcycles. Scrollworkmustnot exceed a lineal length of six (6) inches.
2.) groom facial hair in any style besides chinstrap or full- or partial goatee. Handlebar moustaches will be considered an arrestable offense.
3.) Wear a craveat, suspendors, or wool vest
4.) wear any tee- or tennis shirt depicting the logo of any firm associated with engineering industries
5.) wear any cologne sold in walgreens or lesser discount retail outlets, including but not limited to Canoe, Brut, Old Spice or Aqua Velva. Concurrent deodorants are similarly disqualifying

C.) Regardless of gender, applicants must not wear cowboy boots, cowboy hats, camouflage, or any garment made of denim besides jeans. Dispensations may be granted for Applicants who have demonstrated an ability to employ such in a metrosexual manner and with due discretion.

D.) No Applicant may wear overalls, coveralls, bolo ties, Nascar or WWE apparel, Bass Pro Shops apparel, bassmasters memorabilia, confederate depictions, holsters, or shorts in Winter. Shirts and pants must be worn at every meal, whether public or private

E.) Any apparel describing religious views or quoting scripture may be worn only in churches, synagogues, mosques, and other facilities certified as tax-exemt by the IRS for religious purposes. Such apparel must be replaced or fully concealed before leaving said facility, and must be removed and laundered upon returning to residence. No execptions will be made for holidays, congregation trips or "mission work"

6.) Vehicles

A.) Applicant's vehicle(s) must be deemed appropriate for their lifestyle, employment and financial state, must be kept in good and tasteful working order. Applicants possessing diesel, V12, or oversized trucks without prior state approval will be disqualified. Acceleration systems, such as nitrous oxide injectors, are not permitted.

B.) Recreational vehicles, such as four-wheelers and dirtbikes may be used only in designated areas and at designated times. RVs are not permitted unless permanently deployed at an approved RV park in a recognized vacation area, and may not be inhabited for more than a combined 90 days per calendar year.

C.) Vehicles may not depict political, religious, or athletic views or affiliations; women with wings, tails or horns, cartoon characters, or an affinity for motorcycles. Any bumper sticker describing Applicant's offspring bullying an honor roll student will be shot

7.) Applicant must not quote Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, Ron White or Larry the Cable Guy except in expressing derision for the quote itself.

8.) Applicant may never publicly employ biblical scripture or interpretation thereof as cogent proof in any discussion of secular social issues

9.) No names of current or former lovers may be depicted in tattoo upon Applicant's body.

10) Applicant must not know how to line dance or listen to country music gratuitously, with the exception of Reba McIntyre and Dolly Parton.

11.) Aplicant may not be recieving government assistance, such as food stamps or WIC, and still have cable.

12.) Applicant must not chew tobacco or abuse any non-prescription drug.

13.) Applicant may not refer to beer as "brew", wives as "old ladies" or GLBT activists as "Pinkos". A list of approved vocabulary and usage may be found at http://www.dictionary.com/

-end-

Admittedly, DOMARA is a work in progress, but something must certainly be done to stymie the tide of rabid rednecks entering into unhappy, unhealthy marriages that result in dysfunctional families, maladjusted children, lower property values, greater noise pollution, and a general sense of social decay. The danger of redneck marriage is a cumulative one, however, in that their reproductive activities typically result in little rednecks that will someday perpetuate the vicious cycle, and in the fact that redneck men and women, judging by the lyrical writings of Garth Brooks, Kenny Chesney, and others, are prolific in their acts of frequent adultery. It should be noted how easy it would be for a strapping young redneck man or a gussied up redneck woman to steal your heterosexual wife or husband, to lure them with bravado and poor diction and grain alcohol without regard for your otherwise stable marriage.

It should also be noted, however, how much harder it would be for a gay man to lure your straight husband to infidelity, especially if that gay man is, himself, married.

My dear straight friends, both gay-friendly and otherwise, it seems that, in your own allegoryof the cave, you leap at the shadows of gay marriage without realizing that its the real wolves who hold the lantern. Do not let yourselves become so obsessed with finding Weapons of Marriage Destruction in Gayraq that you fail to see the Red(neck) Threat looming behind you. Because even among the most conservative of men among you, at least you don't have to worry about gay men stealing your women, and you might even enjoy gay women stealing them.

Thus I urge you all, contact your legislator and tell them to support DOMARA. Do it for your family. Do it for your children. Do it for the future.

P.S.: Again, this is a work in progress, and I would love to hear your feedback. What should be included in DOMARA? What shouldn't? I look forward to your comments!

Up Against the Wall? Wyoming's First Stonewall Democrats Chapter Debuting Soon!

Over the past several months, dedicated local activists have been working diligently to create Wyoming's first Stonewall Democrats Chapter, marking a poignant increase in gay political infrastructure in the state. As our fledgling chapter of such a respected and influential national organization draws toward the selection of its first officers, I thought it pertinent to provide a few details about this truly significant organization and what it has done to support the national gay rights movement.

Founded in 1998 by openly-gay Representative Barney Frank, Stonewall is a national grassroots network uniting LGBT activists across the country in supporting gay-friendly legislation, candidates and campaigns. According to their website:

"We focus on creating change in three ways: educating the LGBT community about the differences between the political parties; mobilizing the LGBT community to get out to vote on Election Day for fair-minded Democrats; and standing up when Republicans attack our families and our civil rights while we lead the Democratic party to continue improving its record on issues important to our community"

More than just an office of political groupies, Stonewall does the dirty work in pursuing LGBT-favorable election results. They are in the trenches with legislators, on the streets with candidates, standing at the doors of voters. And now, they're in the trenches of wyoming as well and,given the recent failed marriage bill, Stonewall's timing couldn't be better.

According to the Casper Star-Tribune, said marriage bill, HJR17, made it as far as it did thanks to Focus on the Family. This christian fundamentalist organization, based in Colorado Springs, has for years provided the financial and political clout behind anti-gay initiatives throughout the country. In Wyoming, they incepted an expansive phone campaign urging legislators and their constituits to support their bill. According to Sonja Swiatkiewicz, director of issues response for Focus on the Family Action, the group felt it necessary to contact Wyoming voters because "marriages between men and women are the best foundation for society and provide the best environment for raising children"(Trib, 1/21/09). Clearly, Wyoming has become their latest target in a national campaign to curtail civil liberties, and Stonewall will likely be among our strongest protections against their influence.

For LBGT rights to gain a foothold in Wyoming, we need to establish an expansive and easily-mobilized infrastructure of activists and activists willing to protect our rights. Welcome, and thanks, to National Stonewall and the Wyoming chapter of Stonewall Democrats for becoming our best newest defense against out of state organizations who would subvert us.


For more information on National Stonewall, visit 111.stonewalldemocrats.org, and for info on the local chapter, contact the blogger.

WyoGIST Talk: Power or Protection?

What do you think? The recent decision in Wyoming against putting an anti-gay marriage amendment on the 2009 ballot carries with it an implicit statement about the role of government in social policy-- the weight of majority rule versus the equitable rights of the minority, however distasteful the popular majority may find those rights. James Madison, one of america's much-lauded founding fathers, expressed the belief that it is frequently the role of government to protect the minority from the tyranny of the majority, but in a government structured around majority vote, how much consideration should be given to the minority viewpoint?

Today on WyoGIST: Marriage (of course)

Red letter week or so in Wyoming regarding the marriage issue, and I applaud OutQ News for finally reporting on it on Sirius 109! Granted they're a little behind, so here's the gist: Wyoming conservatives were trying to pass a bill which would have put gay marriage to a general vote in the november election. The bill would have constitutionally defined marriage as the union of a man and a woman only; while Wyoming currently does not perform same-sex marriages, wyoming law requires that marriages performed legally in other states and countries be recognized locally. HJR17 would have redefined that recognition to include only heterosexual marriages and effectively stripped local same-sex married couples of what little validation their out-of-state marriage may have conveyed. As a monogamously-coupled gay man who joined his partner in furiously packing the car for an emergency drive to california only hours before the dreaded Prop 8 decision came in (we didn't make it there, by the way), this posed a potentially disastrous backstep for all of us in Wyoming who see a woman- (or man-) free marriage in our futures.

Not to worry, though; thanks to the efforts of our local LGBT lobbyists, democratic legislators, and a few republicans who have retained their patriotic sanity, HJR17 is DEAD! While it survived the committee and made it to the House Floor, it was defeated in a 60-35 vote, far short of the 2/3 requirement for constitutional amendment, removing it from legislative action until after 2010. Full details of the fight can be found athttp://www.advocate.com/news_detail_ektid72623.asp.

We should all extend our applause to all those representatives who defeated the bill, especially those several who crossed party lines. Of particular note is Rep. Sue Wallis (R-Recluse) who observed that the bill is motivated by anachronistic biblical ideals that do not reflect the current state of society, and Rep. Patrick Goggles (D-Ethete), who cast his vote as a means of representing the views and lifestyles of all his constituents.

I call this an unqualified victory for the state that styles itself "the equality state". While we havn't yet secured the right to get married, we at least have defeated threats to our right to BE married, and in the process recognized several of our public servants for their dedication to the philosphoy of democracy; government by ALL the people, not by the largest group.

What are your thoughts? Is this really a victory, or a stay of execution? And what, if anything, does it say about local prgress in the gay rights movement?

The inevitable introductory post: Welcome to WyoGIST!

Welcome to WyoGIST and thanks for reading! Allow me to outline a bit my purpose for creating this blog and wear you, faithful reader, fit into it.


If you're a resident of Wyoming, then you know how very rare it is to find any sort of outlet for gay political thought and debate, so let this blog stand as a point of stimulation for those of you who, like me, miss the comfort of an active, 24 hour gay community. Whether you're a willing Wyoming immigrant or a captive of sudden unavoidable circumstance, WyoGIST is your spot for stimulating discussion that will thrust you back to your glory days. For myself, this is a spot to hearken back to my glory days in NYC, in Providence and Boston and Provincetown, in Florida and countless other places, where being out and gay was not simply an acceptable, but a thrivant and diverse way of life. Here in Wyoming, there is a grievous lack of gay-oriented intellectual stimulation; either you're a hard-core activist or a hard-core partier, and narry the twain shall meet. For us immigrants, WyoGIST is meant to be the middle ground, for those who may or may not party, may or may not politick, but still find gay thought and discussion stimulating.

If you're a lifelong Wyoming resident, you may not be familiar with the little gay coffee shop on the corner. You may not know what its like to sit beneath a pride flag at a bistro table, reading this week's issue of the Blade and chatting up the issues with other local GLBT community members. You may sometimes miss the little gay ghetto you've never visited. You may not know what gay life is like in a state with a pink neck instead of a red one. In other places, civil liberties and the discussions that ensure them deliver live straming sanity to the gay community. We may not have coffee, we may not have a pride flag, but we can stream sane thought for anyone who needs it.

SO for immigrants and lifers alike, I invite you, pull up a resin chair, order a latte off the chalkboard, and begin the dime-store political analysis that, in other places, gave birth to the gay rights movement. Start thinking, start talking, and start being a part of the Wyoming Gay Institute for Sane Thought!